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Many people tell me that I am hard on myself. That I have a lot of anger. These are not statements that are wholly untrue. It took me some time to realise where my handful of triggers and cracks came from. A degree in psychology did not help me skip to the realisation part sooner!

As a young child I was shipped off to my godmother and grandma very early on. No-ones fault. My mom was ill with Bilharzia, and my dad, well…the women took over my care because that is how it was. Soon my baby sister was born. She was a sickly baby and required much care and attention. By the time I was old enough for school, I became a hostel-dweller. Separated from my family.

In my six-year old heart a seed planted itself, The “they don’t want you, you are not good enough”-seed of self loathing and pain. This soon became a tree rooted deep and years of trying to please everyone, being a good daughter, a good student and always doing my utmost best, set me up for a lot of hurt and disappointment. My young parents both dying within months of one-another did not do much to dispel these feelings.

From that my anger and being hard on myself became embedded and presented themselves as personality traits.

Did you know that depression is sometimes defined as anger turned inward, into yourself? I can vouch for that.

I am grateful to have grown to understand triggers and worked hard towards not being that child, that girl. By grace I have attained wisdom to see things for what they are, and I know I can change my feelings, perceptions and manage what triggers I can.

The answer is inside me, not with others.

On the radio Home Free sings: “I can’t feel the love I want/ I can’t feel the love I need /But it’s never gonna come/ The way I am/ Could I change it if I wanted/ Can I rise above the flood/ Will it wash out in the water/ Or is it always in the blood“

But sometimes, like today my buried questions and feelings catch me off guard.

And then

by grace, very serendipitously I read this: “Yet through depression we enter depths and in depths find soul. Depression is essential to the tragic sense of life. It moistens the dry soul, and dries the wet. It brings refuge, limitation, focus, gravity, weight, and humble powerlessness . . . The true revolution begins in the individual who can be true to his or her depression. Neither jerking oneself out of it, caught in cycles of hope and despair, nor suffering it through till it turns . . . but discovering the consciousness and depths it wants. So begins the revolution on behalf of soul.” (James Hillman)

I am OK. My soul to.

In the Blood – Home Free

How much of my Mother
Has my Mother left in me
How much of my love
Will be in sync to some degree

What about this feeling
That I’m never good enough
Will it wash out in the water
Or is it always in the blood

How much of my Father
Am I destined to become
Will I dim the lights inside me
Just to satisfy someone

Will I let this woman kill me
Or do away with jealous love
Will it wash out in the water
Or is it always in the blood

I can’t feel the love I want
I can’t feel the love I need
But it’s never gonna come
The way I am

Could I change it if I wanted
Can I rise above the flood
Will it wash out in the water
Or is it always in the blood

How much like my brothers
Do my brothers wanna be
Does a broken home become
Another broken family

Will we be there for each other
Like nobody ever could
Will it wash out in the water
Or is it always in the blood

I can’t feel the love I wanted
I can’t feel the love I need
But it’s never gonna come
The way I am

Could I change it if I wanted
Can I rise above the flood
Will it wash out in the water
Or is it always in the blood


I can’t feel the love I want
I can’t feel the love I need

But it’s never gonna come
The way I am
Could I change it if I wanted
Can I rise above the flood

Will it wash out in the water
Or is it always in the blood

Songwriters: John Mayer
In the Blood lyrics © Goodium Music